Bromance? No Chance.

posted by Gargamel

"So, uh, you guys wanna hold dicks or something?"

Before MTV’s half-hour reality series Bromance premiered in December of 2008, the closest thing to gay porn on television was Grey’s Anatomy. The shockingly homo-erotic vehicle for “famous for being famous” Brody Jenner, son of former Olympian Bruce “Face like Mickey Rourke’s Ass (see: The Wrestler)” Jenner, is merely the latest bastard child to be spun off from The Hills and Laguna Beach and yet contains none of the aforementioned show’s trademark bikinis, boob-jobs or WOMEN.

Forced at gunpoint by Heart Attack Hollywood editors to watch and report on Bromance, my eyes attempted to self-destruct more than once while watching seemingly straight males attempt to win Brody’s friendship through a series of competitions and ego blowjobs.

As my face contorted in disgust, I kept wondering, what kind of guy fights to win the companionship of a complete stranger, and not only a complete stranger, but a complete stranger who runs a close second to Spencer Pratt as the biggest douchebag on television? The answer: The same kind of guy whose idea for a good time involves manicures, chest waxings, and shopping outings to Ed Hardy.

Right now you’re probably saying, “So far, this show doesn’t sound half-gay!” Just wait. Four words: Hot. Tub. Elimination. Ceremony.

Yes, instead of dismissing the episode’s loser with a firm handshake and fully clothed pat on the back, Bromance sees every contestant strip down to their board shorts and pile into a not-big-enough-to-ever-get-into-with-only-men hot tub. The men sit shoulder to shoulder, and presumably thigh to thigh although thankfully there are no underwater cameras, while hard-to-get Brody smiles coquettishly at them. Remember, not only are there no girls in the hot tub, there are likely no girls within a 100 foot radius except for Rhoda the 44 year old grip who’s probably a lesbian anyway.

Face it; this show is gay, too gay even for MTV’s target demo of gay men and 15 year old girls. Nobody wants to watch a chowder bowl full of giggly, emotional dudes. That’s right, emotional. Some of the contestants actually end up in tears, which I can understand, since I too ended up bawling fully clothed in the shower after viewing the hot tub debacle, scrubbing away the shame and vomit as if I’d just kissed Ray Finkel. My skin still burns from the lye and steel wool.

Bottom line: Bromance is unacceptable, unless somehow you’re friends with former lead singer of Journey Steve Perry or MacGyver.

Heart Attack Rating: 4 - Coronary

You Raise Me Up, So I Can Bend Over and Take It

posted by Andy the Ham

Fresh off his audition for Planet of the Apes 10

Who is this dude? Did I miss the meeting where America decided this is the crap we wanted to pollute our ears with? I gotta tell you, had I been there, had I been able to stop this before it started, I would have. Even if it meant my life. Now we're stuck in a T:2 setting: The machines have won, butthere's no Arnold-bot to save little Eddie Furlong this time. Instead, we're stuck with this primate until the ghosts of Richie Valens and the Big Bopper (hopefully) make his plane plummet from the sky, leaving Groban, in his last moments on Earth, to exclaim, "I'm a fraud! A big gay fraud. Ooh, moist towelettes!"

I can't think of an artist that fills me with more rage than Josh Groban. This talentless ass-pony is riding a high ever since his Emmy performance in 2008 where he successfully made me never want to hear a television theme song again. He ruined Cheers for Christ sake! Actually, he ruined the entire ceremony, which would have been an awesome broadcast had he not been a part of it. Wait. No, that's not right either. Emmy, get your shit together.

See how dramatic I am? Plus I'm a virgin.

I guess what irks me most about Groban is his single, "You Raise Me Up," which would have been better suited for a Time Life CD series on how to repair your gutters in a day than it was for public consumption. I'm hoping Groban pairs up with James Blunt soon so they can open mouth kiss and share their diseases. After all, if they sing into each other's mouths at the same time, we'll never have to hear from either of them again.

Then I'll think to myself…what a wonderful world.

Heart Attack Rating: 5 – Heart Attack

Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop.

posted by Tyrone the Elephant



Not since Julia Stiles single-handedly ruined "The Bourne Identity" has an actress playing the role of the flustered federal tech analyst been as distracting as Janeane Garofalo (playing Janis Gold) in the Season 7 premiere of "24." If the Producers' intention was to cast a lamer version of Chloe O'Brian (played by Mary Lynn Rajskub, who's name I can spell from memory and whose children I'd bear if she swore to always stay in character), then mission accomplished.

But, fear not. By the power of the Father, the Son and Jack Bauer, the audience is saved by the return of Chloe, who is now stationed at a compound in what appears to be the Hearst Castle. Always the underdog, Chloe has only her MacBookPro to aid her, save for Bill Buchanan's Bluetooth headset, while Janis' cubicle at FBI headquarters in Washington is surrounded by tech analysts who are more uptight than Nina Meyers on a cold day. The seed has already been planted for a nerdtastic hacker showdown between Chloe and Janis later this season.

Unfortunately for Janis, she is always within earshot of the one-note barbs of Rhys Coiro, best known as Director Billy Walsh from "Entourage," who proves to be consistently annoying across both series. The choice of Coiro is equally as perplexing as Garofalo. Maybe it was his consistency that got Coiro the role, but it was certainly not his acting ability.

Speaking of not acting, Jeffrey Nordly, also new to the cast, could be replaced in the role of FBI Director Larry Moss by a sheet of plywood. Their performances would be indistinguishable.

Of the new cast, Garofalo is the most recognizable and thus the most glaring mismatch in the revamped ensemble. Despite her stand-up comedy chops, and her seminal performance in "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," Garofalo's style does not translate well to an hour-long network torture-porn-drama. However, she is less of a perpetrator of poor performance than a victim of poor casting. Coupled with the miraculous return of the only slightly dead Tony Almeida (played by Carlos Bernard), fans might look back on this premiere as the moment that the agents of CTU pulled an Arthur Fonzarelli and jumped-the-shark. One can only imagine who'll show up at an FBI mainframe terminal later this season. So, tune in next week to "24," with special guests Lisa Lampanelli and Margaret Cho.

Heart Attack Rating: 2 - Left Arm Pain

The Curious Case of Benjamin Boring

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Howie (please don't) Do It!

posted by Rikki Tikki Tavi

fresh of the Josten's ring tour, Howie Mandel poses for his yearbook photo

Far be it for us to take pleasure in someone else's pain, but when we heard NBC had plans to launch Howie Do It!, the watered-down Punk'd rip off show, we were ready to throw in the towel with this whole 'entertainment career thing.' I mean, didn't this guy already get a shot at this? Remember? Back in the '80s? Oh, you probably didn't recognize him cause he had hair then. And talent.

In any event, and according to a yahoo.com tv article posted earlier today:

Mandel was in Toronto taping his new show "Howie Do It!" Monday when he was taken to the hospital, said Lewis Kay, publicist for the 53-year-old comedian and game show host.

"Howie is in the hospital being monitored for an irregular heartbeat but doctors expect him to be released and back to work tomorrow," Kay said in a statement.

Now, I'm no television executive, but when an actor has a heart attack doing his own material, maybe it's time to call it quits. Of course, Mandel's people were quick to cite that he,


"...did not have a heart attack."

but I can see why he would though. After all, if you take Montel Jordan's greatest song ever, "This is HOW WE do it," and bastardize the likeness AND title for a TV show, God's going to come down with a vengeance. Hell, even Montel Jordan is probably rolling over in his RV right now, residuals or no residuals. And keep in mind, we aren't even taking into consideration how terrible the show is (a fact which may or may not be true. We here at Heart Attack Hollywood refuse to find out.), but it's safe to say that it's one of the worst things to ever come out of Tinseltown.

Heart Attack Rating: 4 - Coronary

Welcome to Heart Attack Hollywood

posted by Rikki Tikki Tavi



If you're anything like the contributing writers/editors of Heart Attack Hollywood, then you're well aware that Hollywood ran out of good ideas a long time ago. Yet somehow, over 400 commercially released films are produced each year. A slew of terrible scripted and reality shows debut each fall, winter, spring and summer. Terrible musicians continue to release records Tuesday after Tuesday. Talent parades around Hollywood with no regard to the world the are so horribly influencing day in and day out.

Point being: somewhere along the way this candy-coated dream factory has gotten worse with each passing year and shows no signs of slowing. In fact, it's gotten to a heart-attack inducing level. So much so that we had to write about it.

So as often as possible, Heart Attack Hollywood will provide you with reviews and stews of all the worst that entertainment has to offer today. From the pop star gone awry to the actor turned spectacle, from that bad book to that worse magazine, from the hipster Lower East Side to the hipstery Echo Park, we will not stop until every terrible stone has been turned.

Bear in mind, friends, what we write is in jest. While most stories are rooted in fact, we never intend to hurt any of our subjects or peers, no matter how harsh the review. In fact, if anything, we intend to shed light on topical pop-culture phenomena as it comes our way. Should our words happen to be malicious, we apologize, but so be it. Quite frankly, the only reason we're here is to help make this industry better by identifying what's wrong with it through a clear and broad lens. Please keep that in mind as you read. After all, what's writing if you can't have some fun and stir up a few otherwise-dying embers?

*Before we go, and since this is our first post at Heart Attack Hollywood, we thought we'd explain the guidelines of the heart attack rating system. The scale of heart attacks goes from 1-5, 1 being the best of the worst, and 5 being so terrible that we'd rather die on the table then see what comes next. Here's how it breaks down:

1 - palpatations
2 - left arm pain
3 - infarction
4 - coronary
5 - heart attack

That being said, we'd give this post a 1, for example, as it wasn't that bad, but we still felt like douche bags for writing it, and we'd punch ourselves if we ever saw us in public.

See how the system works? Good... Let's begin.

Editor