Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop.

posted by Tyrone the Elephant



Not since Julia Stiles single-handedly ruined "The Bourne Identity" has an actress playing the role of the flustered federal tech analyst been as distracting as Janeane Garofalo (playing Janis Gold) in the Season 7 premiere of "24." If the Producers' intention was to cast a lamer version of Chloe O'Brian (played by Mary Lynn Rajskub, who's name I can spell from memory and whose children I'd bear if she swore to always stay in character), then mission accomplished.

But, fear not. By the power of the Father, the Son and Jack Bauer, the audience is saved by the return of Chloe, who is now stationed at a compound in what appears to be the Hearst Castle. Always the underdog, Chloe has only her MacBookPro to aid her, save for Bill Buchanan's Bluetooth headset, while Janis' cubicle at FBI headquarters in Washington is surrounded by tech analysts who are more uptight than Nina Meyers on a cold day. The seed has already been planted for a nerdtastic hacker showdown between Chloe and Janis later this season.

Unfortunately for Janis, she is always within earshot of the one-note barbs of Rhys Coiro, best known as Director Billy Walsh from "Entourage," who proves to be consistently annoying across both series. The choice of Coiro is equally as perplexing as Garofalo. Maybe it was his consistency that got Coiro the role, but it was certainly not his acting ability.

Speaking of not acting, Jeffrey Nordly, also new to the cast, could be replaced in the role of FBI Director Larry Moss by a sheet of plywood. Their performances would be indistinguishable.

Of the new cast, Garofalo is the most recognizable and thus the most glaring mismatch in the revamped ensemble. Despite her stand-up comedy chops, and her seminal performance in "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," Garofalo's style does not translate well to an hour-long network torture-porn-drama. However, she is less of a perpetrator of poor performance than a victim of poor casting. Coupled with the miraculous return of the only slightly dead Tony Almeida (played by Carlos Bernard), fans might look back on this premiere as the moment that the agents of CTU pulled an Arthur Fonzarelli and jumped-the-shark. One can only imagine who'll show up at an FBI mainframe terminal later this season. So, tune in next week to "24," with special guests Lisa Lampanelli and Margaret Cho.

Heart Attack Rating: 2 - Left Arm Pain