Bromance? No Chance.

posted by Gargamel

"So, uh, you guys wanna hold dicks or something?"

Before MTV’s half-hour reality series Bromance premiered in December of 2008, the closest thing to gay porn on television was Grey’s Anatomy. The shockingly homo-erotic vehicle for “famous for being famous” Brody Jenner, son of former Olympian Bruce “Face like Mickey Rourke’s Ass (see: The Wrestler)” Jenner, is merely the latest bastard child to be spun off from The Hills and Laguna Beach and yet contains none of the aforementioned show’s trademark bikinis, boob-jobs or WOMEN.

Forced at gunpoint by Heart Attack Hollywood editors to watch and report on Bromance, my eyes attempted to self-destruct more than once while watching seemingly straight males attempt to win Brody’s friendship through a series of competitions and ego blowjobs.

As my face contorted in disgust, I kept wondering, what kind of guy fights to win the companionship of a complete stranger, and not only a complete stranger, but a complete stranger who runs a close second to Spencer Pratt as the biggest douchebag on television? The answer: The same kind of guy whose idea for a good time involves manicures, chest waxings, and shopping outings to Ed Hardy.

Right now you’re probably saying, “So far, this show doesn’t sound half-gay!” Just wait. Four words: Hot. Tub. Elimination. Ceremony.

Yes, instead of dismissing the episode’s loser with a firm handshake and fully clothed pat on the back, Bromance sees every contestant strip down to their board shorts and pile into a not-big-enough-to-ever-get-into-with-only-men hot tub. The men sit shoulder to shoulder, and presumably thigh to thigh although thankfully there are no underwater cameras, while hard-to-get Brody smiles coquettishly at them. Remember, not only are there no girls in the hot tub, there are likely no girls within a 100 foot radius except for Rhoda the 44 year old grip who’s probably a lesbian anyway.

Face it; this show is gay, too gay even for MTV’s target demo of gay men and 15 year old girls. Nobody wants to watch a chowder bowl full of giggly, emotional dudes. That’s right, emotional. Some of the contestants actually end up in tears, which I can understand, since I too ended up bawling fully clothed in the shower after viewing the hot tub debacle, scrubbing away the shame and vomit as if I’d just kissed Ray Finkel. My skin still burns from the lye and steel wool.

Bottom line: Bromance is unacceptable, unless somehow you’re friends with former lead singer of Journey Steve Perry or MacGyver.

Heart Attack Rating: 4 - Coronary