You Raise Me Up, So I Can Bend Over and Take It

posted by Andy the Ham

Fresh off his audition for Planet of the Apes 10

Who is this dude? Did I miss the meeting where America decided this is the crap we wanted to pollute our ears with? I gotta tell you, had I been there, had I been able to stop this before it started, I would have. Even if it meant my life. Now we're stuck in a T:2 setting: The machines have won, butthere's no Arnold-bot to save little Eddie Furlong this time. Instead, we're stuck with this primate until the ghosts of Richie Valens and the Big Bopper (hopefully) make his plane plummet from the sky, leaving Groban, in his last moments on Earth, to exclaim, "I'm a fraud! A big gay fraud. Ooh, moist towelettes!"

I can't think of an artist that fills me with more rage than Josh Groban. This talentless ass-pony is riding a high ever since his Emmy performance in 2008 where he successfully made me never want to hear a television theme song again. He ruined Cheers for Christ sake! Actually, he ruined the entire ceremony, which would have been an awesome broadcast had he not been a part of it. Wait. No, that's not right either. Emmy, get your shit together.

See how dramatic I am? Plus I'm a virgin.

I guess what irks me most about Groban is his single, "You Raise Me Up," which would have been better suited for a Time Life CD series on how to repair your gutters in a day than it was for public consumption. I'm hoping Groban pairs up with James Blunt soon so they can open mouth kiss and share their diseases. After all, if they sing into each other's mouths at the same time, we'll never have to hear from either of them again.

Then I'll think to myself…what a wonderful world.

Heart Attack Rating: 5 – Heart Attack